There is a pants monster on the loose ravaging through our Classic City. He has most commonly been sited on the campus of the University of Georgia, with a strong connection to Milledge Avenue. It seems that this "monster" is targeting females from ages 18-24, although some cases have been reported, sadly, at much older age groups. Just this morning while driving through the University's North Campus, I encountered eight girls at a single crosswalk who had fallen victim to this mysterious "thief-of-pants." The monster's attacks are not at once noticeable by his victims because he replaces the pants with a pair of a certain type of underwear known as tights. These tights are most commonly seen in black or grey, although other colors have been reported.
But wait! The monster apparently is not satisfied by simply stealing pants, but goes further to trick his unsuspecting victims. Many of them are led to believe that the lack of pants can be resolved by wearing an extra-large t-shirt, a man's sweatshirt, or most surprising, a pair of Ugg boots. Some victims however, aren't even that lucky and wear nothing more than a small, white, v-neck undershirt. It is truly a shame. More recently, the monster has been known to use some more advanced trickery. He has begun replacing victims pants with a new "stylish" or "fashionable" type of tights that look like a pair of blue jeans. This has his victims confused and actually believing that they are wearing a pair of jeans, when in fact they have been tricked yet again! It is time that we take a stand against this "trouser-stealing menace!" What you can do to help:
1) When you see a victim running on Milledge wearing a pair of tights, tell her that chasing the Pants Monster won't help, and to run on home and put on a new pair of pants, or some of those Nike running shorts that are all the rage with the kids these days.
2) If you see a victim wearing some of those new, fancy jean-looking tights, say, "Hey girl, those aren't jeans." This should provoke one of two reactions: embarrassment, causing the girl to immediately cover up and run home; or shock, which may require you to call medical services. Don't you fret, public hero, you have done this victim an invaluable service, and either outcome is better than a girl walking around without pants on! Well done!
3) Carry around an extra pair of sweatpants in your pack. Not only will this save a young victim from being without pants, but hey, who doesn't like a good pair of sweatpants!?
These are only of a few ways to help. If you have any suggestions or ideas on how to eliminate this "purloiner-of-pantaloons" or to help his victims, please respond. Keep on fighting the good fight!
